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The "World of Teens" presentation |
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Written by Kathleen Devitt
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Thursday, 29 November 2007 |
Kelly Richardson, licensed marriage family therapist, gave this presentation at Del Oro HS on Nov 7, 2007. This article was written by Kathleen Devitt using notes taken at that presentation. Read to learn what Kelly says about teens and their world.
“THE WORLD OF TEENS” Kelly Richardson, MA, MFT #34453 Licensed Marriage Family Therapist193 Blue Ravine Road, Suite 170, Folsom, CA, 916-985-6996
Today’s Teens: Today’s teens have high expectations and drama. The live in an “instant world” very different from the world their parents grew up in. Cell phones are part of this instant world. Kelly recommends that parents pay attention to who their teen is calling and what hours they’re calling them. She recommends that parents take possession of the teen’s cell phone from 10 PM until 7 AM. They don’t need to be calling and text messaging during that time period. Teens have more homework than in the past. These days a 4.0 GPA is not “good enough”. Now they strive for GPA of 4.6 or 4.8, so they’re stressed out which may lead to substance abuse. A 3.8 may not be good enough to get them into a UC which may stress some teens. Rumors spread quickly among teens (e.g., text messaging) creating high drama. Teens are often home alone especially in households where both parents work. This is a time of their lives when they often need more, not less supervision. Teens are in between being a kid and an adult and they’re afraid of being different. They want to be a part of a group, connected. For teens, friends are the core of their world.
Effective Communication: Effective communication is critical with teens. Learn to talk “with” your teen instead of “at” them. Keep lectures/ advice to 2 minutes at the most, after that they’re not listening to you anyway. Their friends listen, parents should to. Make the teen feel like their parents do care, understand, and listen to them. Turn off the TV, no phone, no cooking dinner etc; just spend time to actively listen to them. Watch for comments from the kids and do not say “because I told you so”. Parents need to be interested and listen to what’s not being said e.g., hesitations, pauses may be telling you something more. The parent should keep their emotions in check and listen without judgment. Don’t over-react. No screaming or name calling. If a situation begins to get out of hand, do a 10-10. Get 10 yards away from each other for 10 minutes. Get to know their friends and invite them over. One way to improve conversation is at the dinner table. Instead of saying “what did you do today?” where the answer may be “nothing”, ask the teen to tell you the high point and low point of their day. Do this at dinner each night to stimulate conversation (no repeats allowed).
Teens in General: A teen’s job should be school. If they’re busy with homework, after school activities like sports or band, then they don’t need to hold down an outside job. If they’re not active, not involved with school and too much time on their hands, then they should have a job because too much time on their hands is trouble.
Hot Topics for Teens: Cutting, Sex, Huffing, Tattoos, MySpace, Hookah Pipes, Eating Disorders, Steroids, and Aggressive relationships: - Cutting is a type of self punishment for something e.g., bad grade. Cutting is when a teen (often female) purposely scratches or cuts themselves often on their shoulders, legs and bottom of feet.
- Oral sex is not uncommon and is happening at the back of dark movie theaters.
- Huffing is inhaling fumes to get high from things like aerosols, white-out, air freshener, and cleaners.
- MySpace is “toxic, toxic, toxic”, and Facebook is not any better. If you see a photo with a teen holding a red plastic cup on MySpace that’s a way to depict them drinking alcohol. MySpace is trouble with drama, trouble with the law, predators, and other hurtful things. Colleges and employers often look up their potential students or employees on MySpace/Facebook and see what’s there before they accept or hire.
- Hookah pipes are legal for 18 year olds as well as “Hookah Bars”. Hookah pipe is a long water pipe containing flavored tobacco, but with more nicotine.
Drugs: Common names used by teens for the various popular drugs: - Marijuana- Pot, Mary Jane, MJ, Hemp, Reefer, Ganja, Chronic, Dope, Bubbler, Weed, Texas Tea, Bammy
- Ecstasy- E, X, Love Drug, Adam, Club Drug, Thizz
- Cocaine—Blow, Coke, Powder
- Methamphetamines—Speed, Ice, Meth, Chalk, Crank, Bump, Tweek, Crystal, Black Beauties, Dex
- Oxycontin-- OC
Teens don’t view alcohol as a drug. The most common place for them to get alcohol is in their own home. One trick used is to replace the alcohol taken from the bottle with water. The most popular drugs among teens are marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy. Marijuana is a “gateway” drug to other drug use. If you see a teen with scales and plastic baggies, that could indicate a dealer. “Blunt” is marijuana joint with cocaine on the end or with cough syrup on the end. Some teens hollow out a cigar and put pot inside. Ecstasy is a very popular drug to take before dances. 10% of teens have tried it at least once and 30% use it on a regular basis. It can be taken as a pill or snorted. Methamphetamines is popular with student athletes. Prescription drugs such as vicaden, oxycontin, adderal and Ritalin may also be taken to get high. They can buy one of these prescription pills for $5 on the street. Teens know various tricks to beat drug tests, so be aware. Kelly suggests you hug teens when they get home from a party or dance and be aware of smells. Warning signs of drug use include: - Drastic change in grades
- Drastic change in friendships
- Weight change
- Lethargic
- Using Visine/eye drops a lot
- Gum chewing
- Lots of perfume after an event
Kelly recommends this excellent book: “Lost & Found: A Mother and Son Find Victory Over Teen Drug Addiction” By Christy Crandall. It can be purchased at www.StopTeenageDrugAddiction.com
Teenage Relationships: Appropriate age to begin dating is when they start high school, typically around 14 years old, but only on group dates with 4 or more teens. They should not be doing one-on-one dating until they’re at least 16 years old. Discourage serious teen relationships. Set a curfew, but let it be determined by what’s going on rather than a consistent set time. Typically, it should not be past 12 midnight as trouble typically starts after this time. Do not let them just drive around without a specific place to go as this can lead to trouble. Know who they’re going out with, meet them, call other parents beforehand, set boundaries. Teenage dating violence is escalating. Here are some statistics: - 20% of teens have been threatened by their partners or had partners threaten to hurt themselves if the relationship ends
- 33% of teens, and 50% of teen girls, say they have felt pressured to have sex in a relationship
- 30% have worried about their safety in a relationship, and 20% have been hit, slapped or pushed.
- 64% have been with a jealous or controlling partner
- 55% have compromised their standards to keep their partner
- 25% have been put down or called names by their partner
Talk to your teen if you suspect they’re in an abusive teen relationship, but do not judge them or push them to do anything they are not comfortable with, and be patient. Encourage your teen to stay out of contact with the abuser. If you know the abuser, do not attack them as a person as this may result in the opposite affect to happen making them closer together. Make it clear that the behavior is not acceptable. Encourage them to talk to a counselor, religious leader, doctor, community support group, or police. Encourage them to develop healthy behaviors.
Eating Disorders/Obesity: Weight related disorders are seen in teens especially girls. May be due to self esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and control issues. Pay attention if they hide food in their room or have other “secrets” related to food. - Anorexia – body image issue, want to “be thin”, may develop heart problems. Most anorexics are clinically depressed.
- Bulimia – bigger problem than anorexia, and see an obsession with weight. This problem peaks in college and is big in dorms and sororities. Typically takes 6-7 years before they get treatment. Bulimics may workout excessively. You can’t recognize the “bulimic” body type.
- Binge eating – Binge/purge cycle. Overeat and then purposely throw it up.
- Obesity – encourage teen to be active, don’t just sit around on the computer, get out and do physical activities.
School Bullying: This occurs in both high school and middle school. It includes name calling, teasing, and rumor spreading. Signs your teen is being bullied may include missing/ damage belongings, not wanting to go to school, faking illness, and bruises. Talk to your teen and the school if you suspect they’re being bullied. Teens who are bullies like power, lack empathy, and lack self-control. Some may be known as the “Queen Bee”. Seek help if you suspect your teen is a bully as it can become a very serious problem.
Teenage Depression: Normally teens go through up and down mood cycles, which is different than depression. Signs of depression: - Persistent sad or irritable mood
- Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, boredom
- No interest, no goals
- Loss of hope
- Significant change in appetite or body weight
- Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
- Loss of energy
- Running away
- School absences
- Reckless behavior
- Difficult relationships
- Isolation
- Constant crying
- Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
- Difficulty concentration
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, writing about death
- Alcohol, substance abuse (mask for depression)
If you see these symptoms for 2-4 weeks, get help! Listen to your teen. Strong clues of depression are constant irritability with family/ friends and teen not wanting to do things. Pay attention to their relationship with friends. Girls are more likely to suffer from depression. It may be seasonal. Symptoms of depression may include vague, non-specific physical complaints such as headaches, muscle aches, stomach aches or tiredness. Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide which is the third leading cause of death among teens. 90% of suicides suffer from a mental illness, and suffering from depression can make a teenager 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.
Setting Boundaries: Teens need to make their own mistakes, so avoid “rescuing them”. Hold them accountable for their actions and have consequences for their actions. If they’re having sex, make them baby-sit a baby for a long time period. If they’re drinking, make them go to an AA meeting or go to a hospital/ morgue. Keep teen busy with not too much free time. Never give a teen a brand new car, it sends the wrong message. Don’t pay for good grades. Make kids work hard for what they have. The law says you have to provide food, clothing and shelter for your teen, but do not go to extremes. For 18 year olds who still live at home, they should still have boundaries, and be required to follow the family rules. They should have curfews, and honor/ respect your home. Remind them that the law considers them adults and they will suffer adult consequences if they break the law. Safety should always be a parent’s number one consideration and number one battle to fight. Trust your gut. Be careful sharing the mistakes you made as a teen until they’re adults.
Other recommended books: Reviving Ophelia, Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, Raising Boys |
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 04 December 2007 )
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